Earlier this year, when talking about Micaela's first kindergarten days, someone asked me,”Will you be one of those moms that cries on the first day of school?” My immediate reply was “No way; I will be strong and ready to drive my girl to school and happily say good-bye for a few hours until I come back to pick her up!”
Well, with just four days until THE first day, I get a lump in my throat almost daily thinking about dropping her off this Thursday. Over the past few months I’ve given it a lot of thought, maybe too much. I think I now know why it is we cry on the first day of school and can certainly say I’ll be one of those moms crying at drop off this week. If not in front of my little girl, certainly back in the car and will be anxiously waiting until it’s time for pick up.
I suppose it really hit me a few days ago. Like I said, until then I really wasn’t very emotional about it. But something changed this week. These past days, my princess has been so excited about starting school she practically talks about it all day long. She is SO ready to arrive, open the door, run to her classroom and start this new adventure that it scares me...
Sure I was used to Micaela being in preschool; she started when she was just two. I love the preschool my girl went to. And I certainly love the school she will go to now, but now she will be in kindergarten, which means she will start the first of her many years at school. Therefore, as her mom, I feel proud, but still nervous.
This new place I will send her everyday. I am trusting this place and her new teachers to keep her safe and educate her. I realized these are two things that have been my job since she was born. Sure she went to preschool, but that seemed so much more like a place to play. This is SCHOOL, this is where she’d be learning and growing each day, tasks I enjoyed watching as she hit all her milestones. I realized I might not be there the first time she reads a full book or writes out a full sentence. I don´t think I am ready to let someone else watch my baby grow. I was trusting her to grow a bit without me by her side, and learn not only reading and writing without me, but have life experiences without me by her side... but now I realize I might not be so ready as I thought I would be.
I know one of the main reasons why I am nervous for her to head to kindergarten in a "new" + “big” school is that she will have difficult moments, moments where she will feel sad, nervous, or embarrassed, and I will not be there to dive to her rescue. She will now be on her own. Eventhough I hope and pray she will find kind, loving friends and teachers who might rescue her in my place. But honestly, as a mom, that’s a lot to let go of... a lot of control of protecting your little one.
So today, when I think about that first day of kindergarten that is approaching and know I will cry... yes I will cry! The more I think about it, I realize I might even cry the "first day" of many more times too: when first grade approaches and the amount of time she was “out on her own” doubles, when she enters a middle school full of teenagers and starts wanting to hang out with them instead of coming back home fast, or when she graduates and goes to college far from home...
For me, now, the "first day tears" are meant for letting so many unknowns into our lives and having to put so much more faith in our children and that they’ll make the right decisions and be ok. We’ve raised her for 5 years, eager to learn and ready to explore the world and it’s time to let her go just a bit. And while my mama heart will hurt a bit that first morning, it will also be bursting with pride.
