Absolutes

Sometimes it makes me laugh on the inside when I hear someone without children proclaim an absolute about how their future child or children in general should be raised. It's not that I'm trying to be condescending or mean. I'm actually laughing at myself. You see, I had quite a few pre-motherhood absolutes that are kind of hilarious when I think back at them now.

- "Our child will be sleeping in her crib in her own room after just two weeks".

I remember telling my mom this as we put your nursery together before you were born. I had just heard stories about co-sleeping that were appalling to me. Your daddy and I had talked about it and decided co-sleeping was not for us. In fact, we were going to have you sleeping soundly on your own by the time you were two weeks old. That's how confident we were in our parenting skills.

Seriously, does that sound as ridiculous to anyone else as it does to me?!

When it came down to it, your sleeping had noting to do with us and everything to do with you. In a sleep deprived state, I'm pretty sure we would have done just about anything to get you to sleep. During one week, you would only nap soundly if I was holding you. So, I held you on my chest and  enjoyed every moment of the sound of your deep breathing (while doing things one handed). I remember your daddy coming in one day and almost scolding me he said: "If you continue to let her sleep in your arms, she's going to want to only sleep that way." I gave him a death glare. If holding you was what got you to sleep, then holding you was what I was going to do... and I was going to relish every second of it.

What happened to our two week plan? I think I forgot about our two week plan the moment I first held you in my arms. You slept mostly in your swing right next to our bed. At two weeks, I was nowhere near ready to move you to your own room. At three weeks, I cried when we moved the swing a little further away from our bed. At six weeks, you cried and cried one night when we put you in your swing. In desperation, we placed you in your crib in your room and you slept soundly there from then on. You may have been ready to move into your own room, but I was not. I was practically hysterical. I missed being able to see your little face whenever I opened my eyes or hear the sound of your breathing so we ended up co-sleeping and feeling proud about it... even with our original plans quickly being thrown out the window.

- "Our daughter will not be all girly and decked out in tons of pink".

I had a hard time with my presents. It's just that so much was pink. I kind of roll my eyes about the pink and the frills I wore as a child. I've never been much of a pink person as an adult. I wanted you to wear all colors: greens, yellows, and blues. I wanted to dress you in clothes that were comfortable and you could really play in. I hoped you would be the type of girl who wasn't opposed to getting a little dirty while you played.

A month after you were born, I had finally had enough. I can't tell you how many people asked how old "is HE?" I realized that if I didn't deck my child out in pink, people automatically assumed my baby was a boy (seriously, if you don't know, try asking "what is YOUR BABY'S name" or "how old is YOUR BABY"). It probably shouldn't have mattered, but it just got under my skin that people assumed you were a boy. That's when I started introducing more pink to your wardrobe. Before I knew it, your closet was filled with pink, and I had a toddler who adamantly loves pink. We have daily battles when I try to dress you in other colors.

It may not be what I originally had planned for you, but you do look so stinkin' cute. Plus, almost all of your girly clothes are made of cotton. They may be frilly, but they're also comfortable for play & we don't freak out if they get dirty or stained. A little bit of dirty is good for you.

- "My child will never throw tantrums like that".

I was so sure of myself before being a mom. I was so sure of the superior parenting skills I somehow knew I had even though they'd never been tested. There are times when I smile and want to go back in time to kick the person I was. You know, at times like when my amazing toddler is tantruming in a public place while my face is hot and red with embarrassment. Who was I to think that if I was a good parent, my child would not throw tantrums? Now I know that tantrums are what happen when your child is almost two and doesn't know how to appropriately express what she is feeling. The way we react to tantrums will play a part in whether the tantrums continue long into the future. Until then, you're still learning how to express yourself and uncomfortable, embarrassing tantrums are a part of that no matter what kind of parents we are.

- "I will never have a gross family-car".

I used to pinch up my nose in disgust at the condition of other family-cars. Food, toys, and dirt everywhere. "No way", I thought. Someday I will have a sophisticated and clean car. Fast forward to my life with a child. Cereal, sand, and a sticky substance we're not sure of cover our car on any given day. It looks more like a zoo than the sophisticated family-car I had once assured myself I would have.

- "Our child won't watch TV at all. Instead we'll fill her day with play and activities".

This still holds true. Kind of. We do try to limit your TV time. With that said, sometimes TV is our best friend. Like when you wake up at 6am on a weekend and your daddy and I can hardly pry our eyes open. We snuggle in the couch to watch Discovery Kids while daddy and I drift in and out of light sleep until normal waking hours. There are also days where we're all exhausted. I'm not ashamed to say (ok, I'm a little ashamed to say) that we've had some days where we've almost felt too exhausted to play with you. On those days, we let you watch TV and you couldn't be more thrilled. We're probably not going to win any parenting awards on those days, but you're safe, healthy and alive. So, we're going to call that a win.

- "If a parent tells a child they won't get to do something / get to have something if they're not behaving, they need to follow through".

This is something I've struggled with a lot lately. There are days when I've tried everything else and your behavior is still all over the place. So, I resort to bribery. In my heart, I'm so sure that telling you "if you don't do A,B,C then we won't do X,Y,Z" will get you to do what I've asked you to do. Or maybe that it's just that I've tried everything else. Unfortunately, much of the time the bribe still doesn't get you to do what I've asked you, and I'm not always prepared to follow through. Like when I tell you we're not going to grandma´s house until you pick up your toys like I asked you to. You defiantly tell me, "No mami, todavía - Not mommy, not yet". The problem is, I end up feeling sorry and therefore we end up going.

It's just that sometimes as a parent, I just don't know what to do or if I'm doing the right things at all. I do know that I need to get better at not telling you something that I'm not prepared to follow through on.

So as you can see, our thoughts and plans have changed quite a bit since becoming parents. For me, one of the gifts of motherhood has been the lesson of not being so absolute. We still have some absolutes, but mostly I've learned to go with the flow a little better. I've learned that what works for our little family is going to be different from what works for other families. As long as there is love, that's what truly matters. I've learned that we're going to have to constantly rewrite our plans, and I think it's made me a better person.

I've also learned to laugh at myself. A lot. So, thanks for that. ;)