My heart

I know I have briefly mentioned this before in some of my posts, but I wanted to go a little further into detail with it and describe what I mean when I talk about the mountain of emotions that overcome you the day you become a Mama.

Crying.

Crying Mama.

Anyone out there like me?

You had a baby.

Life is absolutely wonderful.

But you cry so easily.

All the sadness.

All the pain.

All the diseases and illnesses.

All of it just makes you sad.

Tears you up.

You become a big baby.

The best way to describe it.

Now, before you get all crazy on me and thinking there is something wrong. Let me begin by saying, NOTHING is wrong. No one is depressed, and no one hates life.

Especially not me.

I am more in love with this life given to me ....and i couldn't imagine a better life.

What I am trying to describe here is actually too challenging for words. Too complex. And I fear that it will be misinterpreted. But I am attempting here. So bare with me.

I have always been an emotional person. I was always that girl that if the teacher even thought I did something wrong and confronted me about it... I would tear up. And once I teared up, there was no holding back those tears. 

And on top of that. I was always a mess when I cried.

I was always the person that cried at every sad movie, anytime anyone else cried, and at the thought of anything happening to my loved ones.

I cried easily. Always have. And always will.

And ever since I become a mama... those emotions, those tears, all the sadness I feel for others that are less fortunate... have amplified by 100.

For instance. I was at Wong a few days back returning something. When I was in line waiting, I noticed the women in front of me had two children. One about the age of five, and the other a little over 1 sitting in the cart. Her clothes were disheveled and she looked like she hadn't had a bath in a while. The little girl locked eyes with me. And sadness. I just saw sadness. And at the same time, I saw the sweetest little girl that deserves nothing but an abundance of love.

So in that moment, I thought to myself (and this is partly my fault), that she wasn't getting what she deserved. I imagined my own child in that situation, and I thought how sad I would have been for her.

In that moment, I wanted to save her. I wanted to take her home and save her from what I had assumed was not a well enough environment that she was living in.

It's silly. I know this. (And no I was not trying to steal a child. I'm not a nut-case... although I am sure I am sounding like one). But I couldn't help how I felt, and the sadness that I felt for her.

And of course I got in the car and shed a few tears... just thinking about how much I loved my daughter, how much I couldn't wait to go home and hold her and tell her how special she was, and how I wanted nothing but the world in the palm of her hands.

And I want that for all children.

• I want every child in this world to be loved the way they deserve to be loved. 
• I want them to feel safe in a way that they never have fear in their eyes. 
• I want them to never feel lonely, to smile, to laugh, giggle, and get lost in discovering the beauty of life. 
• I want them to have every little thing their heart deserves. 
• To be held at night and have their forehead kissed. 
• To never feel pain, illness, or discomfort in their own body. 
• To have an identity, to feel empowered, to be important. 
• And above all else, to feel wanted, needed, loved, and deserved. 

But that's not reality.

Not all children get to experience this.

Life isn't all that easy.

And that. That's what breaks my heart. That's what I think about. That's what I read about. And that's when I start to cry. Mainly because I see this child that I have been blessed with, and I think to myself... how can life ever cause her pain?

So when I see other stories, see other lives that are breaking, it touches my heart deeply. I imagine my situation and my life, and the tears just come. Easily.

Maybe I'm not a strong person. I'd like to think that I am. But my family, Pablo, and my child are my everything. And every time I read another sad story, or hear about someone in pain, it reminds me to go home and give him and our baby more kisses. Hug them a little tighter. Hold them a little closer.

Life can be tough. Life can be hard. 

Being a mother is a whole new chapter of that life.

An amazing chapter at that.

But it also brings on a whole new mountain of emotions.

Fear. Sadness. Worry. 

And as that one saying goes....

Becoming a mother means you let your heart walk outside your body.

It couldn't be more true.

Life affects me so much more.

I am more aware of the sadness in the world.

I am more aware of the fears that I have because of all the pain and illnesses that occur.

I am more aware of the worry that comes with becoming a mother.

My heart is out there.

Walking around in the danger of the world.

And all I want is to keep it safe.

To keep her safe.

Because she is my heart. 

And it's growing everyday.