You're probably wondering why I made you turn to this page of the book. Why mama is writing to you and why there is a picture of you as a two year old. Yes, it's exactly what you think it means baby. I'm writing this letter long long before you know what a boyfriend is. What love means. And what heartache feels like. I'm writing this to you, during a time when you feel nothing but love. During a time where twirling around in the living room is your idea of fun. A time where the key to your heart is in the form of a furry pet and a chocolate bar. A time where your arms only want, and need to be held, kissed, and praised. And your biggest fans, your biggest admirers, and your true loves are (and will always be) your mama and papa. And that is all you need. At least for now...
I know that now in your life, you may yearn for more.
And so I decided to write to you, in 2013, as you, a blonde haired, blue eyed, 2 year old lay in bed next to me, all 35 pounds of you, curled up in the most perfect ball with the most perfect smell, knowing that you would need this from me one day. Because I want to tell you I know what you are going through. That it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel hurt. It's okay to not be able to picture your world ever being the same.
It's okay. It's normal. And I know how you feel.
Baby, as hard as this time may seem to be, right now. As much as you may not want to believe it, at this very moment. Trust me when I say this... there are plenty more fish in the sea.
Smile for me baby. Right now. Show me that smile. Wipe away those tears, and lift your head up.
Now listen to me carefully. Because I want to talk to you now while I'm young, while my memory is fresh, and during a time that I may understand better than say 15 years from now. So, with that being said, why don't we talk about those "fish" in the sea.
Fish #1.
You're going to laugh when I tell you this story. Of your mother, who at the age of 13, thought she "fell in love" with her one and only prince charming. You're going to giggle and probably poke fun of me, but that's okay. Because the sole intention of this letter is to do just that. Put that beautiful smile back on your face.
You see. It was straight from a tv show (except the age part). A new girl coming to a new school. A boy who was the leader of the "cool" oness. Both awkward. Both oh-to-young to ever know what love is. The boy... he goes up to the girl. They act way cooler than they truly are. And they are smitten. Oh so smitten. They hold hands. They listen to "punk music" (oh sweetheart I know I'm aging myself here), and she does everything possible to make him laugh. And vice-versa. And she knew it. Right there and then. He is the one. He carves their initials in the closet of their friend´s house (that they didn't own.... don't ever do that), and thinks this will last forever. Later, the girl tells her mom (your grandma) those 5 words a parent never wants to hear at that age "I have my first boyfriend". Your grandmother though... she's no fool. She just stroked my hair, gave me that hollywood smile of hers, and said "sure you are honey." You know what else she said...
"There's more fish in the sea." Except that she did it in Spanish.
So fish number one? We talked for a few months, and yes he did indeed break my little teenage heart. I cried many many tears over him swearing that I would never find love again. "No mom, you just don't understand." And then, I was soon distracted by... fish #2.
Fish #2
This fish was my first "real" boyfriend. He went the same school as I did. Another school. He was a year older. And what happened? It didn't work out. But I mention him because... your mama (me)... well she must have watched The Notebook one too many times... because again, she found herself in a scene from a movie. A box full of his stuff. A drawer full of letters. Crying. And saying something around the lines of.... "why did this end?"
Please tell me that made you laugh as it did me. Please promise to never say such foolish things at such a young age. Please!
And then there was fish #3.
Fish #3
This one was what one would call... "the silliest thing I could have done!". The fling after right when you start the University. Where you think you're so old and so mature. Where I thought surely by now I knew what love was. Well, obviously by my words "the silliest thing" you have probably figured out that that means it didn't work out for long. And you, my lady, are very smart. Because it didn't. And unlike the other two fish that broke my heart because it just didn't quite work out... this one did because well... he was not the most reliable one in the pond. Your mama was a smart cookie, and the minute her gut said no more, she told him to leave. Doesn't mean I didn't cry some big fat ugly tears over him... not him, but the situation. Doesn't mean that I didn't go off through life with the mindset of... no more boys for me.
Because, in fact, I did just that. That last fish changed me. It made me believe that I was chasing love. That I could have that amazing relationship, and that I had been definitely looking in all the wrong places. That should have been the big warning there. I had been looking.
You should never look baby. It will come to you. As it did me.
Fish #4
My final fish. The best fish on Earth! The one that came to me. The one that had to win me over. The one that had that warm and real eyes out of a movie scene love story right before my eyes. Your father. Although, I will save this for a later letter in time (as I have another novel to write about our love story with you), let me just say this.... your father loved me, and showed me what true love was in all the right ways. He perfected the term and loved me harder than I ever thought possible... harder than at times I thought I ever deserved. Pure, straight from the heart kind of love. A love that no amount of words could ever describe.
And like your grandmother told me... and still likes to say to me...
"That Pablo.... he's one in a million kind of fish in the sea."
And you, my dear, will find yours one day. Don't go searching. Don't go chasing this fairy tale. This movie scene kind of love. Because I promise you this, when you do find your fish, even if it may take longer, even if it requires patience and trust, just know this... You will instantly realize what true love is truly all about.
Are you smiling yet? I hope so. Now go kiss your papa and tell him thank you for loving your mama. And then come kiss your mama and give her some warm hugs. She probably feels like she doesn't get them as much as she'd like.
I bet she'll even let you poke fun about all those fish in the sea.
I love you baby girl. We don't ever want to see tears fall down your face.
Love,
Your 30 year old Mama, That Found Her One Fish in a Deep Blue Sea :)
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