Happy New Year!

I vow to have a blast with you at home. I vow to love on you and your father as often as possible. I vow to remember what’s important and let slide what is not. I vow to show you and your father every day how much you mean to me. I vow to read a little less and play a little more. And I vow to let you twirl in your pajamas for as long as you like. Because I remember twirling in my own when I was little.

Happy New Year!!  

What I hope for...

I won't call them goals.

Or resolutions.

Or dreams.

They will be called...

Hope...

Things I hope for. What I hope for myself.

My family. My relationship. My daughter.

And my future.

Because in reality... you don't always get what you dream for.

Everything doesn't get checked off the to-do list.

And no one ever truly reaches perfection.

So hope it is.

I hope this will happen in 2013.

I hope that I will have the strength to work hard for my dreams.

And I hope to continue to grow in this role that I have created.

As a partner and as a mother.

1. Health. Number one. As soon as a became a mother, I realized that I want to stick around this earth for as long as possible. I want to watch her grow. Watch her learn. Discover with her. Teach her. And create memories full of laughter, love, and joy. I hope that God will continue to provide good health to not only myself, but my daughter and for Pablo as well. Those two are my world. They are a part of my heart and every piece of my soul. I would not, and could not, be who I am today without them.

Number one. I hope for health.

2. Guidance. I hope to start back into my devotionals. I really struggle with this as I have made so many promises to myself that this is the year. And yet, I failed again. I hope that this won't be a repeat of the last. That I will get myself, and therefore my family, back into a place where I feel like we belong. Somewhere that brings us even more closer together and closer to the One person that brought us together.

3. Patience. This seems like something I always hope for year after year, but never really put enough effort into. But I NEED to work on this. It's no longer a "if I have time" type deal. It is a must. I need to learn to be more patient with those that are a part of my life. I need to hope to find that inner strength to just let things go that are not so important in life.

I need this to be the year for patience. I hope this is the year.

4. Peace. I hope to find peace with the things that happen in life. To not get angry. Frustrated. Or ask the questions why? I hope to just appreciate what I do have and forget about what I don't have. I need peace this year. I need to be reminded that all things happen for a reason. 

Be at peace with that. I hope that I can do this.

5. Appreciate. I want to show Pablo how much I love him. Really love him. How much I appreciate all that he does for me and for our daughter. How much I adore him. Admire him. And look up to him. Having a relationship is not a cake in the park. Not at all. But it is wonderful. Amazing. One of the most beautiful things in life (next to having children)... and I want to show him that. I hope to be the partner that I have always dreamt of being. I hope that this year I can do more things with him. Laugh with him like we are teenage kids. Find a hobby to do together. And continue to enjoy each other's company.

Above all else. Appreciate him as my partner in life.

6. Grow. This is huge for me. Every year I want to be better. Grow, not only as a partner, but now as a mother. I want to be the best mother out there. But I know that that isn't possible. So at the very least, I want to grow in my role as a mother. I want to do more with my daughter. I want to create activities that only her and I can do together. I want to teach her more. Show her the world more. Give her every taste, vision, and scent of the beautiful life around us. And I want to be a part of it. Every step of the way. I hope to sign up for swim classes with her. I want to take her to the zoo. I want to go outside with her every day. Make it a priority to teach her more English.

I hope I can continue to grow in this role that I have been blessed with.

7. Prioritize. This I have struggled with all year long. I hope to learn how to prioritize my time better. Be more effective with all the hours of the day that are given with me. Learn the balance between motherhood, a relationship with Pablo, career, and personal life. I need things to balance out. Less time spent on the social media aspect, and more time spent creating memories with my family. I know I already do this... but I need to work harder at this. Make it a priority. Make it number one always. 

I hope to learn how to balance all the important aspects of my life.

8. Acknowledge. Things that can no longer be ignored. Such as my appearance. This goes with number one. But I need to make it a priority as well. I hate dieting. Cringe eating food without carbs. But this time around I absolutely need to. I have gained some weight from when I was pregnant with Micaela (thanks pregnanacy), and I need to get that fixed soon. No ifs or buts.

No hope. This is a must.

9. Eat Right. This is very important to me. I feel like 2012 has not been a huge year for my family and myself in this aspect. We haven´t done really well with eating healthier, eating more organic and natural foods, and really watching what we put into our bodies. However, we are not perfect nor do we strive to be. I don't want to be perfect. I don't want to be organic 24/7. I don't want to be a "I can't eat that because it has this or that in it." I don't want nor do I need that.

However I do need to learn more, read more, research as much as possible, and continue learning how to cook the healthiest meals possible for my family.

I was never a chef. Never stepped foot in the kitchen. And now? I should cook 4-5 lunches a week, some dinners, and make breakfast for my daughter.

2012 was not huge for me in the kitchen department. But I hope 2013 will be bigger.

10. Immigrate. I hope that we will be blessed with our plans to live abroad. I have always wanted a certain place to raise my daughter and I believe that the Lord has a lot more planned for our future. 

I hope for this dream to become a reality.

So there you have it.

My condensed down version of my hopes for myself this year.

Overall, I just hope to continue to learn how to always strive to be a better partner for Pablo and mother to my little princess. A better person to strangers. A more loving daughter/sister to my family. A better friend, and a better Christian.

A healthy, happy, full of laughter and joy 2013.

Yes. That is what I hope for.

In these arms

As she sleeps in my arms, I wonder: who will she become? Who will she fall in love with?  What will her dreams look like? Will she have children? What will she believe?

It occurs to me that in this very moment, I cradle her future. Her entire future.

There are sleep-overs in these arms – chatting under the blankets, flashlights in the dark, playing truth or dare. There are kisses in these arms – sweet and innocent on the playground, swooning and lustful on the porch. There are ideas in these arms – brilliant ones, tangible ones, whimsical ones, and exciting ones. There are voyages in these arms – into the woods and into the cities, across oceans and across countries. There is love in these arms – fleeting at times and devoted at others.

In these arms, there are mornings cooking with her father and there are nights begging her grandma for one story more. There are afternoons spent bickering with her cousins and there are nights fluttering away with dreams while Mara curls up at her feet.  

There are wishes upon stars, melting ice cream cones on a hot day, standing in the sunshine warming her toes in the winter.

I fall asleep thinking these things, wondering these things, proud of these arms and all that they hold.

He gets me and I get him :)

No one gets me the way Pablo does.

No one will ever understand him, the way I do.

It's hard to explain....

but we get one another.

We both have many imperfections... 

We both say things we don't mean. 

We both complain just to complain 

And we both get frustrated about the complaining. 

At the same time... 

We both have big hearts...

We'd do anything for one another.

We're very committed.

We aren't afraid to open our hearts.

We love hard.

And we know. 

We know we are soul mates. 

We know we were meant for one another. 

We know we work, because of who we are... together. 

I tell him this all the time... 

I don't think that any relationship would ever work with me... had it been anyone else. 

No one could ever understand why I do what I do or why I am who I am... except for Pablo. 

And the same goes for him. 

I don't think that anyone else could make things work with him. 

Or put up with him the way I do (not in a bad way). 

That goes both ways.

This is so hard to explain.

Hard to put into words. 

But we get it. 

We've said it so many times to one another.... 

and we both understand. 

No explanation needed... it's us. 

It's who we are. 

It's what we are. 

As cliche as it may sound...

We were placed on earth for one another. 

(yes. you are allowed to break a tear or two... i know: sob fest)

We are perfect for one another. 

There is no one else that I could imagine growing old with. 

No one else I could imagine being the father of my child. 

The grandfather of our grandchildren. 

Rocking on our rocking chairs. 

And sharing memories of past days.

Holding hands while walking the halls of the nursing homes.

Complainig to him about my joints hurting and my mind getting older. 

Yep. That's going to be us. 

And I can't wait for it. 

And that's why... 

We are perfect for one another.

At the end of the day... 

I love him. 

He loves me. 

And we are meant to be. 

My child´s unconditional love

Motherhood happens to consume 90% of everything I do, how I breathe, prioritize my day, and function as a whole. 

Motherhood has also taught me a lot. In the almost-two years that I have been blessed with this role, I have learned more about life than in my previous 29 years here on Earth. Motherhood has changed me. Molded me. Made me stronger, wiser, and more of a delicate individual. Motherhood has opened my eyes, my heart, and my soul. It's taught me patience and determination. It's tested my limits and questioned my actions. It's shown  me beauty in the little moments in life.

And motherhood? Well motherhood all began on March 15th, 2011 when I gave birth to my daughter, Micaela. And without her Motherhood wouldn't exist. All those lessons learned wouldn't be there. And so today, I want to focus on one of the most important things that MY daughter has taught ME.

When I initially sat down to think about what the biggest lesson that I have gained from my daughter was, I had a million and one thoughts running through my head. Although all were valid and important in their own way, there was one that stood out to me the most.

A child's unconditional love. I actually had a post sitting in draft about this. I sat at my computer typing it over and over again trying to find the right words to put it all together. And if I'm going to be completely honest here, I still don't have it all sorted through. Because when I think of my child's undconditional love I get lost. I lose my speech. And I forget how to think. And any way I write it brings me to tears.

Because I hit a moment not too long ago, in between the tantrums, frustrations, and the i'm-not-sure-if-i'm-doing-this-right, when I looked at my daughter and realized... wow... this child loves me no matter what. She doesn't compare me to anyone else. In her eyes, I'm a hero. I don't have to always do the right thing, say the right words, do the most fun activities, or buy the biggest toys. In fact, I could do none of those things and she would still love me all the same.

That's the beautiful thing about children, you know. They truly define unconditional love, and there is absolutely no other kind of love out there like it on Earth.

So when I think I've failed as a mom....when I've had one of those "oh man" moments... when I feel like I've done it all wrong... I remind myself that my beautiful princess will love me nonetheless. That tomorrow is a new day. And that to her we, as parents, are as perfect as perfect gets!

A letter to 18 year old me

If you could write a letter to your 18 year old self, what would you say? You wouldn't want to give it all away. Heck, who knows if that 18 year old you, would believe it anyway. Sometimes - you just need to figure it out for yourself...

It's strange thinking about writing a letter to myself. However, this year is about to end, so I figured now is the best time to write a letter to my 18 year old self.

Dear Cynthia,

18. That's a big year. You've already graduated high school and entered college. It should be an exciting time, and it is, but you should really follow your heart. You will see why in the future, it doesn't work out exactly as planned. You've always lived for others, please start living for yourself. Put yourself first. Do what you want to do, you will be much happier that way.

College isn't bad. You meet some amazing people, people who change your life in some way, shape or form. You even learn about those who you've known forever. Sure, you have your differences, but living with them won't be bad. This is by far, not the best years of your life. It gets better... much, much better. 

You will experience some deep stuff in your young life. In the form of a bad relationship. Listen to your intuition about the relationship. I'd love to tell you that it will be okay, but honestly you will regret that decision for a very long time. You are much too precious to deal with any kind of verbal abuse, I wish you could see that. I wish you loved yourself as much as those around you do. Your true friends and family, not this coward who is pretending to love you. Hurting you isn't love. Repeat after me, hurting me isn't love. The effects of that relationship are everlasting, but even if this letter could get to you, I don't think you would listen. You're stubborn. It's a blessing and a curse. 

You´ll get married. And then you´ll realize you´ve made a big mistake. Do not cry over spilt water because at the end, you´ll have learnt so much from this bitter experience. 

Later on you´ll meet your true love, he is everything you ever wanted, but you never thought you deserved. Trust him, he has never hurt you or lead you to believe otherwise. Don't let your past relationship dictate this one. He is not him. That is something you will need to remind yourself of everyday, (see I told you about everlasting effects.) He's good to you and just wait until you see your amazing child. A lovely girl, something you have always wanted, but never thought you would have. You deserve her, every good thing that has ever happened to you, it is well deserved. You will become a wonderful mom too, it's obvious to everyone around you how much your princess will mean to you. You´ll have a lot of love and support around you, it will help in those times when you feel that things aren´t easy. When things become difficult think of your daughter, Micaela, she is so precious and wonderful. She deserves all the love she can get.

Keep in touch with those friends that matter most to you. At 18, I know it's hard, that year was difficult for you and a lot of friendships dissolved because you prioritized someone who didn´t deserve it. That's okay, the ones that are true will come back into your life, in a very unexpected way. You will meet other friends too, that you will feel you have known forever, cherish them. They are true, they are real and they also love you and your family.  

Stay close to God since He will always protect you and keep you away from those things that could damage yourself. 

Your family will be rocked to the core, but you know how strong they are. Your grandpa will be tested and his health will fail at moments, but you know him, he's the energizer bunny, don't cry too hard he'll bounce back. Your relationship with your mom will be the strongest ever. She will be your rock in those first steps of motherhood with Micaela and a major help throughout this wonderful stage of your life. She's been your mom for so long, and knows you so well... she'll be right by your side helping you with your baby. 

You may not be where you thought you were going to be when you thought about yourself at 29, but the place you are at is so much better. You may not have all the money in the world but you have a beautiful, healthy family. That is worth so much more than anything else you can think about!

XOXOXO,

Your future self

Her grandpa - my dad

One of the benefits of living as close to my parents as I do is that my daughter has access to two kind and loving men: her father and her grandfather. I absolutely believe that part of the reason I am with Pablo, a man who has tremendous respect for women and a very GOOD man, is that my father has always been a very devoted family man. I hope that by watching her father and her grandfather, my daughter will take it one step further. I hope that she never thinks for a second that a man who does not cherish her is worth the trouble.

Another update...

I sat down last night to edit photos from your past two months and write this post with all of the details about your growth and eating habits and new quirks, like I have done since you were both born. But after writing a solid page of text, I felt compelled to erase it all. Every word.

I love tracking your milestones. I love watching you grow. I love going back and reading about what you were doing at 8 months or 1 year or just two months ago (because honestly, the tiny details of each phase do start to fade from my mind as new ones take their place) but this time I just want to take a moment to recognize where we are.

The question of “How is your daughter?” is usually the first anyone asks me. I just want you to know that it’s hard to contain the gratitude I feel when I can tell anyone who asks that the you are fantastic - healthy and growing.

We have settled into a place of great check-ups with doctors and 8 hours of sleep at night. You have grown so much in the past months. You’re busting out the toes of your footie pajamas and shirts that fit fine last week are too small the next. As a family, we’ve really found our rhythm lately.

I know first hand that there are no guarantees and things can (and will) change as we walk this path together… But right now, the inches don’t matter and I’m not counting molars and it’s ok if you refuse to eat broccoli.

Things are good.

Really, really good.

And that’s all the update I need!

Ten of my greatest hopes for you

1. That your father and I instill in you a love for education and books and seeking knowledge. Read everything. Fill your head with Philosophy, History and Science. Education is one of the few things in life that can never be taken away from you.

2. That you travel around the world. Experience as many different countries and cultures as possible. Take every opportunity to go, do and see!

3. Seek out your passions. Grow them! Be they music, art, dance or sports… whatever! You are capable of reaching whatever goal you can dream up. Invest in yourself and your talents.

4. Do not be afraid to speak up when you feel something is unfair, unjust or harmful. We are all deserving of kindness. There is no cause or difference worthy of belittling or bullying others. Doing the right thing is not always the popular thing, but it will always be worth it.

5. I hope that one day you know what it feels like to love another person with all of your heart. Take your time (lots and lots of time!). Don’t rush into matters of the heart. Enjoy your youth and be carefree but when you’re ready, loving someone else faithfully and completely will be one of the greatest gifts of your life.

6. And along those same lines, I hope that you know what it feels like to be loved by another with all of their heart. When you do fall in love, make sure that person is willing to give the same to you. You are worth the effort. True love is an equal partnership.

7. May your heartbreaks in life be minimal. They will happen. And they can feel so consuming and paralyzing but know that they are part of your story. The hurt will shape you and it will make you a wiser and better person. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is allow yourself to be vulnerable.

8. Have a group of friends who will be loyal and encouraging. Over the course of your life you will hold so many different friendships - some of them good and some of them detrimental. Don’t waste time on anyone who is not good to you. Let the lessons from all of these relationships allow you to build a circle of friends who will always be there to stand with you in the highest and lowest moments of your life.

9.  No matter what happens to you, remember that your father and I are here to care for you and guide you and support you. Even if we disagree with you, don’t ever be afraid to come to us for help. We may not always have the answer or the means, but we’ll be in it together. Our love for you is without limits or conditions and it will always be that way.

10. And lastly, the most important hope of all. Never forget that faith in and love for Jesus Christ is all you need. Above the love of a partner, the friendship of your peers, even your family. Let Him be the north star that guides your life.

When I think of your future, my mama heart can barely contain the hope it holds for you. You are so small now, but the days are moving fast and I am taking every opportunity to be purposeful and open about my dreams for you. But these words are just that … my dreams… merely a launching pad for the possibilities of your life. Who will you become? What will you achieve? Only time will reveal those things. I am certain that the very best thing I will ever do in my life has already begun. In whatever you accomplish, you will be my greatest legacy.

This is something I really want you to know my princess

"Christmas is more than trees and twinkling lights, more than toys and gifts and baubles of a hundred varieties. It is love. It is the love of the Son of God for all mankind. It reaches out beyond our power to comprehend. It is magnificent and beautiful." - Gordon B. Hinckley.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Today I just sat and thought about you and I can't help but wonder how you must have felt being a mother, 29 years ago. Becoming a mom has changed me in ways I never knew were possible. The minute I looked into Micaela's eyes I was a new person and on that day I discovered an unconditional love and patience that I never knew I possessed. What I hadn't realized until that day was that I was capable of loving in such a huge way the entire time, because I learned this from you.

Over the years you have shown me so much patience and been so understanding. Sure we've had our disagreements and shared some pretty epic arguments, but I have always felt like I could turn to you in times of need. You've taught me that to love a child is one of the most difficult, yet rewarding and beautiful things you will ever do. You also taught me that love conquers all, even if sometimes it takes every ounce of strength inside of you to find it.

When we saw our little princess together on the ultrasound where the doctor told us she was a girl, I watched you cry over the beauty of that cloudy squirming image. I realized just how much love you had already for this little baby you hadn't even met. If that's not pure love then someone please tell me what is.

Thank you for teaching me how to love. Thank you for showing me how to be a good mother. Thank you for raising me with such morals and understanding so that the day I had a baby of my own, I would have confidence in knowing that I can do this. Although the journey ahead of me may be rough at times, all I need is love and a lot of patience and everything will turn out fine. I know this because of you.

Love you to the moon and back,

Your daughter

Dear Motherhood

Motherhood, you have changed me. You have given me the ability to love someone else more than I love myself. You have showed me what true, unconditional love is, and what it means to be courageous. How pushing though can be one of the hardest things, but the end result is worth more than gold. 

Motherhood, you have brought out a strength in me, I never knew existed. It was there all along. Under the self-doubt and fear. You have showed me a fierceness that the stubborn and outgoing girl from long ago would never believe was there.

Somedays I think of that girl. Young and carefree. A bit selfish and irresponsible. Oh, how I'd love to tell her how it all turns out. But she will see, eventually. 

I have been tested in ways I never knew possible. I have loved more than I ever though I could, and the amount of love that I love is on a level I never knew existed. 

Motherhood, you have broke me down and saved me. You have made me question every decision I have ever made and left me exposed. You have thrown all my insecurities out on the table and gave me the courage to own them and change them, not only for myself - but for her. That  little princess, who hangs on to my every word and every action. 

You have forced me to face those fears and when I break down and wonder am I strong enough to survive it all, I know deep in my heart that I can answer with a yes. 

Every time I can answer with a yes. 

Letter to my little schatzi: 21 months

You turned twenty-one months today and all we have to show for it is a bouncing little girl. This boggles the mind, little bird. How your father and I ever created YOU, someone so much better than either of us, will always remain a mystery to me. All I know is that I’m glad God helped us do so. You are still, now and forever, the very best part of our lives together. You make us a family.

At 21-months, you are finally starting to get this sleeping thing down. You have your own routine which involves saying goodnight, kissing, and brushing the teeth of your stuffed animals. And then we all go to the bedroom for some videos. There are still mishaps though. Just before falling, a couple of nights ago, you had your milk and decided that you wanted to go back to your room to play a little more.

You’re still co-sleeping, but sleeping in the same bed with a toddler is like sleeping with a windmill. You sleep through the night, but we often don’t. In the morning, you usually wake up first, and then proceed to pry open our eyelids to wake us up.

You love to carry bags on your shoulder. You enjoy wandering around the house with a bag “shopping” and picking up different items around and putting them in your bag.

Your comprehension and language development has been astounding to witness this month.  Every day you make associations that stun us. Last week, we went to the mall to see Santa but he wasn´t there, then we went to Wong and gladly they had a Santa that day so you went to him, turned and said: “Santa mall no – Santa Wong” to explain that he hadn´t been at the mall because he was at Wong.

Words are coming so fast and furious now that it is hard to keep up. You have little conversations and love to tell to us stories, which often come out as complete gibberish with a few understandable words to help us piece the puzzle together. Your favorites at the moment are: sun, “una – moon”, “Papa Nel – Santa”, “Endes - Santa’s elves”, “Vidad – Christmas”, “Maria – Ose y bebe - Mary – Josheph and the baby”, “ete – this”, “ahi ta - there it is”, “riba – up”, “bajo – down”, and, of course, “poquito mas - a little bit more”. You repeat so many of the words that we say now that we really have to watch what we say.

You have also told your first joke! You went grandma´s house, picked up “Josheph” from the menger and said, “gote como abuelo Luish – mustache just like grandpa”. You then pointed to your grandpa and said, “Gote - Mustache!” and collapsed into giggles.

Your mind is a little sponge — you can correctly identify colors, animal sounds, some numbers and letters. At the moment you love the alphabet song, counting to ten in English and Spanish, singing Old McDonald had a Farm, Bingo, Mr. Sun, and many other songs with lots of clapping and a loud “yay” to signify the end. 

You´ve become even more social. You run up to other children to try hugging them or holding their hand while introducing yourself. And when it’s time to go home you blows kisses, wave bye-bye and say “mucho guto – nice meeting you”.

Time seems to be going by a little faster and it’s hard to believe that you will be two in just a few months. Every day more of your inquisitive and playful personality develops. Recently I read a quote which sums up exactly how I’ve been feeling: “It’s an incredible experience to come to know someone you already love so deeply.”

Happy 21st monthday baby girl!

With love,

Momma