Becoming a mother is a strange thing. I still don't truly feel that I "am" a mother. I feel I am in a constant state of becoming. Every day I learn new things; new ways to love, new ways to grow. Micaela is now 16 months old, and she has been in the real world just a bit longer than she was in my body.
Becoming a mother is the most strange and glorious thing that has ever happened to me.
It is so strange how much love you can feel for someone you have never met. Someone who doesn't even really exist independently of you at first. No idea if they are a boy or a girl, what they will look like, if they will be healthy, what their personality will be like. It is coupled with the anxiety and the fear of the unknown. It is a strange feeling to be so attached to something so tiny and miraculous, and something which is now so out of your control.
Then the moment comes when your baby actually breathes. When she is there in front of you, and you embark on the next leg of your amazing journey. All of a sudden there is this new life that you are responsible for. She is small and precious and so incredibly fragile. She relies on you to survive, to give her love, to teach her how to live and learn and grow. It is an unbelievably huge amount of responsibility to lay upon someone. And yet, it is so utterly wonderful that there is no way I would trade it for the world.
It is impossible to remember my world without her. This was something that didn't need to creep up on me slowly. It was just an instant switch when she was born. While I was pregnant, it was still so abstract to think of this new life that would be with us soon. After she was born it was so overwhelming. Learning all the things you need to learn in order to care for this new being is not easy. Or at least it wasn´t for me. I´ve loved her like no other and that makes all the difficulties fade away. And now I realize that there is no way I could imagine my life without my daughter. She is a part of me and a part of Pablo as well.
Becoming a mother is a constant struggle. It is hard work. I still have those moments every day when I am amazed that I am actually a Mom. There are nights full of tears, moments of self-doubt, frustrations galore. There are days when I feel like it is impossible, and that things shouldn't be this hard.
But there are also moments where I feel like my heart will burst with love and happiness. Moments where I look at her and think that there could not be a more perfect being in existence. There are times when Pablo and I laugh so hard our bellies hurt at the crazy things she does. We have moments (almost all moments) where we are practically exploding with pride and love.
Becoming a mother is bittersweet. Watching her learn and grow and accomplish amazing things. Watching her discover the world around her and discover all the cool things our bodies can do. Cheering for her as she learned how to sit, how to crawl, how to clap, how to wave. And at the same time feeling the regret that she is growing so fast, and that these moments are passing us by and will never be experienced again. Packing away her little sleepers, her small clothes, her tiny shoes; these are moments that bring tears to my eyes. Tears of happiness and pride for the child she is becoming, and also tears of saying goodbye to the little baby she once was.
Becoming a mother is my greatest accomplishment. It is something that I could never imagine not having done. Looking into the eyes of my daughter, I see what pure love looks like, feel what pure devotion feels like, and know the reason for my existence.
Becoming. Evolving. Emerging. Growing. Transforming.
As I watch her accomplish these feats, so do I become a mother.
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